Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Words Cannot Convey My Dismay

I believe it is probably safe to assume that anyone reading this here doesn't know much about me as I haven't really spread much of my wings on Blogger so I will begin with a bit of background on me.

I'm a 17 year old senior in High School. Brown hair, blue eyes, the whole bit. And for those who honestly know nothing of me, I have wanted to join the Navy for nearly the past two years of my life. Maybe that isn't much, but I have based and formed an idea of my future around the idea that I was to enter.

Let me give you a bit more information: I was diagnosed with ADHD by a woman who had been diagnosing children for twenty years; she said I was the worse case she had seen thus far.
I also have depression. I don’t really know what type or how bad it is, I just know that the medication I take for it is and has been very important since I started taking it.

I actually didn’t realize how bad my depression was until I started the medication and finally started to feel… okay.

I talked with a friend (either last night or the night before, I forget. Sleep deprivation.) and I expressed how I felt like… Dependent on it. They said “Well, you wouldn’t say a diabetic is dependent on insulin, would you?” They could honestly not have made a better analogy. And it’s true. I take the lowest dose of my medication but it literally makes a world of a difference.

Well, for those of you who haven't or aren't going in to the military, if you are taking medication for ADHD/ADD, anxiety or depression, you are automatically ineligible to enter the Navy until you have been off the medication for a year.

All of these things you are born with, have no control over, and cannot help.

I really wish I could fully come to understand why they do this but I am so disappointed. I obviously refuse to drop my anti-depressants right now as I'm am going through some tough shit. It would be just silly of me to even try at this point.

But I honestly don't think I can ever just not take them. Depression is something I have, not something I can make go away or cure. Maybe someday I'll be able to handle it without the aid of medication but I just don't see that happening anytime soon. It saddens me that the government doesn't see or understand that.

ADD/ADHD is something that can even being crippling; and it has definitely impacted my life both negatively and positively. It's only by choice that I am not medicating for it. I am lucky enough to not require it to function. But it is also something I cannot get rid of. This all goes hand in hand with anxiety.

So, today, I am just feeling very let down and sad that I may never be able to go into the service. Something that really could have been a career in my life. And I may no longer be able to do it. Because I was born with depression. Because I feel I cannot function properly without the medication. Because the ignorance of the reality of my mental illness is still ignored by so many, and this truly, really saddens me.